How to instantly build rapport
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou
Building rapport with someone is a hugely useful skill and dedicating time to learning and practising it will pay off in many situations.
Leading psychiatrist Dr David Burns has a long-established method for communicating effectively with others. Though it initially reads as a list of tips, the Five Secrets of Effective Communication has power behind its simplicity. It’s easy to learn but hard to master.
It can be used manipulatively if the situation demands (Burns describes in this podcast how a woman used it to escape a serial killer) but it’s also one of the best tools you can have for building close, lasting relationships, and navigating conflict with people.
How it works
Building rapport means finding connection. Connection between two people happens when they feel they understand one another. When someone feels that you “see” them, the connection can happen very quickly. To build connection with someone you must genuinely be able to show the following:
- Empathy
Validate other person’s thoughts and emotions by seeing and acknowledging the truth in what they are saying. Show them that you understand what they are telling you and how they are feeling. Inquire about their experience of the relationship and what may have been difficult for them. - Assertiveness
Share your own feelings, even anger, without attacking the other person. Show that you are willing to make yourself vulnerable. - Respect
Make sure the other person knows that your motivation for this is to build a better relationship and let them know all the things you already admire or like about them.
Dr Burns calls this “speak with your EAR”.
Techniques
There are are four techniques for Empathy building, and one each for Assertiveness and Respect.
- Disarming
The disarming technique is most useful where you are dealing with criticism or feedback. In essence you have to really hear the other person’s message, therefore validating the experience they are sharing with you. To do this you must resist the urge to defend yourself or argue an opposing point. You have to find the truth in what they are telling you and let them know that you see it. This is probably the hardest technique to master in the heat of the moment so it’s worth practising this frequently in non-conflict situations, where it also helps to built rapport. For more information listen to Dr Burns’ podcast Five Secrets Training–The Disarming Technique. - Thought Empathy
This one is easier but also takes practice! You listen to what the other person is telling you and repeat it back to them (whether you choose to repeat word for word depends on the situation). This is often called “active listening”. Check out the podcast Five Secrets Training — Thought and Feeling Empathy. - Feeling Empathy
When someone is speaking to you, their words, voice and non-verbal cues are also telling you the emotional content of the message. Using feeling empathy means trying your best to interpret the other person’s emotions and checking in with them about whether you are reading it right. You can also make informed guesses about how they have felt in the past. It is important not to just assert that you know their feelings! If you get it wrong you will give the impression that you haven’t been paying attention and you don’t understand them. Check out the podcast Five Secrets Training — Thought and Feeling Empathy. - Inquiry
Show that the other person’s thoughts and experiences matter to you and that you really want to understand them. Ask them to tell you more about what it has been like for them to go through an experience they are telling you about. Try to find out more about specific examples that relate to your conversation. Ask them sensitively to really explain to you why something matters to them. There’s more in the podcast The Five Secrets (Part 4) — Inquiry - “I feel” statements
The Empathy techniques are all about getting close to the other person, but there’s another layer that will help seal the bond more firmly. You share your own feelings authentically with them. This means sharing any relevant feelings in the moment and don’t skip the ones that make you feel vulnerable! If you are feeling ashamed because you let them down, tell them. If you are feeling excited because you could learn so much from them, tell them! Beware statements that start “I feel like…” that end up describing behaviour. You are looking for emotion words, not verbs. Learn more in the podcast The Five Secrets (Part 5) — “I Feel…” Technique - Affirmation
Previously known as “Stroking” this means affirming to someone that you want to build a better relationship with them and that there are things you really like and value about them, even if the relationship is on the rocks right now. You can learn more in the podcast The Five Secrets (Part 6) — Stroking
So here you are! 6 techniques you can learn to help build instant rapport and long-lasting quality connection with people. It does take practice to use these effectively, but it really pays off.
