We love being on the road—until we’re stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on a Friday at 5.
**1. **Listen, guys. I’ve assessed the problem, and it seems to be that the cars aren’t moving. What if we all just _tried _to move forward together? Could someone pass that on to the guy in the front of the line? Maybe he's just been misinformed about this whole cars-moving-forward thing.
2. Traffic in this city is atrocious. I am outraged. We need to do something about…um…density? Alternative…transit…matrices? Who do I call? Who is the, um, traffic senator? I'M CALLING SOMEONE. I’M VERY UPSET ABOUT POLITICS.
3. Seriously, the guy at the front of this line is my nemesis and I will hound him all of my days to the very brink of the pit of doom, driven by a single-minded thirst for justice and revenge—like Ahab, or Harry Potter. If I could just figure out who he is. Is he in that Hyundai?
**4. **Well, I guess I live here. This is my life now. I should probably call my family and say goodbye. Good thing I found this desiccated French fry under the seat—hopefully I can ration it out long enough to write my last will and testament on this maxi-pad.
5. Forty-five minutes late is basically the same as 30 minutes late, and 30 minutes is basically interchangeable with 20 minutes, and 20 minutes late isn't really late, because anything within 15 minutes is basically on-time, and 20 minutes is only 5 minutes more than 15 minutes, and 5 minutes is basically nothing! So, if you think about it, I'm actually, like, 10 minutes early.
6. Oh, I just realized I hate every song I've ever heard.
7. You know, maybe I do like Prairie Home Companion.
8. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I DO NOT LIKE PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION.
**9. **OH MY GOD, PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION IS ON FOR THE NEXT SEVEN HOURS.
10. If I put my hand on the brake pedal and use a complex system of mirrors to see out the front, could I stick my feet out the window and take a nap?
11. If only I’d made a nest out of chewed-up newspapers under the counter at that Quiznos, I'd be home right now.
**12. **I don't need possessions! I don't have to have a car! I don't need a job. I don't need "things" and "comforts." There are beaches all over this country! I could live off the grid. I could spear toads for my food and live in a hut made of a whale skeleton and wrap my shirt around my head like Bear Grylls. By the beach!!! Why has no one ever thought of this!?!?!?!?!!??!?
13.** Maybe I should drink my own urine.