Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, three, four times, and Madonna, almost nobody in Australia believes you are bringing your Rebel Heart tour here.
The singer, who recently released her star-studded new clip Bitch I’m Madonna, has announced she will be coming down under in March 2016 with her stadium spectacular show as part of her world tour. It is just as likely Johnny Depp will decide his recent experience provides the impetus for a career as a quarantine scientist.
I love Madonna. I love her music, I love her costumes, I love that she outrages so many people simply by daring to be a sexual being at 56-years-old and flashing her butt, and that she does not care.
There are few things I would enjoy more than watching her be wheeled out on a sparkly cross like some kind of disco Jesus, then try to argue she is doing it for the starving children of Africa, or swelter for two hours because she demands the air-conditioning be turned down to preserve her voice.
But Madonna has been denying her tour experience to Australians for 23 years. There are members of parliament who were still in nappies last time she deigned to belt out Holiday on Australian soil.
Australians are used to not being treated particularly well by international performers, with the very notable exception of Pink. The flight here is quite long from most parts of the world, even if you are flying on a private jet with a queen- size bed to rest your weary bones on.
It’s expensive to fly out the various people and props needed for a stadium tour and there is not too much cash to be made in Australia, even if you can fill the stadiums. The population isn’t as big or dense as America or Europe so there’s a lot of travel for what can be a limited number of shows.
So Australia is used to being skipped over for tours, especially by our favourite bands and solo singers who are not international juggernauts and therefore struggle to make it financially viable to come out here.
Madonna’s last visit here was the Girlie Show tour in 1993. She then took a lengthy break from stadium tours, resuming with the Drowned World tour in 2001.
If I was old enough to be devastated by Madonna leaving Australia off her Drowned “world” tour, then I would’ve been. In 2004 Madonna did not even hint there would be Australian dates for her Re-Invention tour and we knew not to get our hopes up.
The Confessions tour in 2006 was one of her most outrageous – think Madonna as a glittering Jesus and a female dancer in an oversize burqa dancing in a cage – and Australia was given the nod. Finally we too could vogue with the master.
Alas, within a few months Madonna had penned an open letter pleading for forgiveness from her Aussie fans. She was not coming.
“I really did hope and expect to come to Australia during the Confessions tour and asked my managers to try to include some shows there. I have fond memories from previous tours,” she began, trying to cushion the blow.
“Unfortunately the logistics just didn’t work out this time around. We looked into going from Japan to Australia and ending the show there, but I have to get my kids back into school in England and they are, as you can understand, my most important priority.”
The excuse seemed as watertight as the Australian cabinet but she signed off in typical defiant style: “The important thing to remember is that I’m not retiring any time soon and I am gonna get to Australia as soon as I can.”
Just two years later we got confirmation she would be adding an Australian leg to her hugely successful Sticky and Sweet tour. For reasons still not totally clear she did not come, although the words “economics” and “dollar crash” were used a lot by promoters in explaining her absence.
Her MDNA tour, which started in 2012, was the next one we missed out on as Madonna once again cited her children, saying she would feel like an “irresponsible parent” if she came to Australia instead of spending time with them.
I know children can be an amazing excuse to get out of events that you just do not feel like going to but Madonna had already used up that card. Next we will be told she is “suffering from exhaustion” when she is supposed to be hitting our shores in March.
- Madonna’s Rebel Heart tour will play at Melbourne’s Rod Laver arena on 12 and 13 March 2016, Sydney’s Allphones arena on 19 and 20 March, and Brisbane Entertainment Centre on 26 and 27 March. Tickets go on sale on 6 July from Ticketek